I'm playing the parent these days to the man who at one time told ME what time to go to bed; what time to be home from a date and who supported me until I was 18 years old. This has been a very strange trip for me but one I would gladly take again.
My story begins with Dad living on the East coast of Florida and me on the West coast. The more I spoke to him, the more I realized all was not well. Like the rest of the world, economics and life kept me from making that long trek all but 3 times a year to see him. I drove over only to find he was down to 125 lbs, labored breathing and not taking care of himself at all. Time to move him to the West side of the state.
He's stubborn and does not take to change well so convincing him wasn't easy.
Moving. The day of the move, my brother flew down from NJ to help me. How sad when we got there, Dad had no idea his son was standing there at the door. He continued to resist telling us he had "things to do." When asked what, he had no idea. We essentailly "dad-napped" him, as my brother put it. He was angry, confused and wanted to know how long he was going to have to stay. Somehow we convinced him it was for the better and he would enjoy being with me.
"His Way." I had rented a small apartment ( 2 miles from my home) for him knowing how independent he is and how much it would mean to him to be in his own place. Let me tell you, my father has never in his life been told what to do and did it. Oh no! His theme song is "My Way" and his entire life has been lived "his way". The thought of having to do things MY way didn't sit very well with him. Does he like his digs? Some days it's okay, others, well, no so okay.
Driving. We decided it was not such a good idea for Dad to drive. If you look under the term "road rage" in the dictionary you will find my Dad's picture! A truck driver for 50 years, he's driven every road in the country. He tells anyone who will listen, "I've driven in 49 of the 50 states. Can you guess which one I've not driven in?" He cannot however, remember how to get to my house 2 miles away even though we go the same way every time. I am using his truck and every other day he wants to know when my car will be fixed so he can have his truck back. He's a character! I'll be driving and he's got the window down yelling at people who pass me...everyone is a "jerk" and "you BETTER stop there, fella." I cannot tell you how many times I've had to hit the power button to put his window up! He is the ultimate backseat driver and still tells me how to drive. I continue to remind him HE taught me how to drive, ergo, I'm a good driver. I get a chuckle out of that one, as he then agrees, "oh, that's right, okay you know what to do."
Smoking. Well, herein lies the majority of his problem. He chain smokes! I decided right off I needed to get him to the doctors. Dad hates doctors. "they have no idea what they are talking about." Thank goodness I found a very attractive female doctor for him to go to (that's another story) Primary doctor to Radiologists to Oncologist to Pulmonologist. The prognosis: Lung cancer with cancer cells showing in the bladder and at the base of the brain. The lung doctor gives me the news he does not have long and there is really nothing that can be done. He told Dad, "you have lung cancer and I would not recommend Chemo. It would only make you miserable and maybe, at best prolong your life for one week." Dad is in denial and says to the doctor, "As long as I make it until Saturday." dr. "what's Saturday?" dad, "it's my 79th birthday." God love him...I'm sitting there giving the greatest show of my life trying to hold back the anger, tears and shock and he's just trying to make it to his 79th birthday! There has to be some humor in that...and a God in heaven who is smiling. Yes, he made it to his 79th birthday. That was 5 weeks ago and he's still smoking up a storm.
Bingo. Dad has always been a gambler and he's stuck on Bingo. Florida is big on "Bingo Halls" and he's spent more money in them then some people make in a month! These days he goes to Bingo on Tuesday nights only. I take him to the American Legion where he can smoke and talk to other vets. Funny how the brain works...he cannot remember what he had for dinner but he can sure play 6 cards and never miss a number. I am baffled by it. Numbers....anything associated with a number he can recall instantly. Names, faces, places, etc...no recollection once it's over. He enjoys his Bingo night and looks forward to it every week. He has been known to get nasty with people who are making too much noise, which makes me crazy but I usually manage to calm him down. He loves winning and when he gets home marks his total winnings on the calendar. He continues to remind me that the Bingo he used to go to had pots as high as $1000.00. Ah, the gamblers dream...hitting the big one. I wonder how much money it would cost to win that $1000.? :)
Hospice. Now here's a real trip! Every Monday the Hospice Nurse and Social worker come to visit Dad. Every Sunday night I remind him that they will be there and I will be there about 1/2 hour before them. Every Monday morning I get there in time to wake him up before they arrive. As the weeks progress his memory fails more and more. On one particular Monday, the nurse asked him if he knew what Hospice was. No, he had no idea so she proceeds to tell him, "we are an organization of nurses and social workers who visit the terminally ill." He looks at me, looks at her and says, "then you might as well leave because there is no one here who is terminally ill." Ah, ignorance can sometimes be bliss. He generally has an answer for everything she will ask that I just cannot help chuckling over. He has not lost his sense of humor but I often wonder if he realizes he's being humorous?! "how was your christmas?" "lousy, she has my truck" as he points to me. "How are you feeling?" "lousy, she has my truck." "Is there anything you would like to be doing." "yeah, getting my truck back." Are you sensing there is one track working here?
Electronic Poker Game. Don't leave home without it! Yes, he's got this little hand held game he plays constantly. Especially when he wants to tune out the world. It stimulates his brain and that's a good thing. I can sit there with him and he'll play it for hours eminating a weird musical sound. Sometimes, the sound stops and when I look up, he's fast asleep, holding the game with his fingers moving as though he were playing it. Hey, whatever works!
Lessons learned. I've learned so much over the past several months. I've learned which battles to fight and which to just let go of. I've learned that humor is the best defense against insanity. I've learned to appreciate every moment with my Dad no matter what frame of mind he's in. I've learned patience...towards him and myself. Most of all I've learned that it's my time to give back to him all the understanding, joy, love and laughter he gave to me when I was a child. The roles have now reversed and I'm so happy I'm here for him.
More to come at another time. Thank you Hallmark for allowing me to find this wonderful website. Thank you Kathy and all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for listening.
